With apologies to Lerner & Loewe…

If ever I would leave you
It wouldn’t be in Walmart.
Seeing you in Walmart
I never would go.
Your cart filled with clothing,
Groceries, hardware, and shoes,
They all cost more money
Than I care to lose!

 

But if I’d ever leave you,
It couldn’t be in Target.
How I’d leave in Target
I never will know.
I’ve seen how you sparkle
When sales nip the air.
I know you in Target
And it’s quite a scare.

 

And could I leave you
Spending merrily while at Sears?
With a credit bill
That will not be paid for years?

 

If ever I would leave you,
How could it be in Penney’s?
Knowing how the pennies add up to a lot?
Oh, no! not in Penney’s
Target, Walmart, or Sears!
No, never could I leave you, my dear!

So a string walks into a bar…

So a string walks into a bar. He hops up on a barstool and says, “Gimme a beer.”

The bartender looks at him, frowns, and says, “You’re gonna have to leave. We don’t serve strings here.”

The string says, “OK,” and hops off the barstool. He goes out the door and around the corner, ties himself a couple of times, frazzles himself at both ends, and goes back into the bar. He hops up on a barstool and says, “Gimme a beer.”

The bartender says, “Aren’t you the same string that I just sent out the door a minute ago?”

The string smiles and says, “No, I’m a frayed knot.” J.

So a doctor walks into a bar…

Doctor Edgar Fuller MD limited himself to one alcoholic beverage a week. Every Friday afternoon, he would stop at a neighborhood bar on his way home and order one drink—generally a rum-and-cola or gin-and-tonic, but sometimes he tried other drinks. The bartender expected Doctor Fuller every Friday, greeting him invariably with, “Howdy, Doc: what’re you having today?”

One Friday the good doctor felt like trying something different. When the bartender asked the usual question, he answered, “What do you recommend today?”

The bartender smiled. “I’m just branching out into something new,” he boasted. “We’ve always served fruit-flavored daiquiris: lime, or strawberry, even apple. But now I’ve got some new and interesting flavors: almond, pine, hickory…”

“That sounds interesting,” the doctor said. “I’ll try the hickory flavor.”

The bartender poured some rum into a shaker, added a little syrup, and shook the drink vigorously. He dropped some ice into a glass and poured the drink onto the ice. Then he slid the drink across the counter to his customer. “Here you go,” the bartender announced. “It’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc.” J.

Cold in the Heartland

The blast of Arctic air that has moved across the Heartland this week brings me memories of other winters. Growing up in the Heartland, I was accustomed to a few days some years when the high temperature of the day was below zero degrees F. I was also accustomed to a few days some years when the high temperature of the day was above one hundred degrees F. We learned to live with such extremes, although central heating and air conditioning made the living far easier.

When I was a boy, I watched Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin as they walked on the moon. When winter came, I chose to imitate their excursion in our back yard. The temperature was five degrees below zero, so it was important to leave no skin exposed; but that was just the point. I was dressing up as an astronaut, putting on double layers of shirt and pants, thick socks, black boots (which had five buckles each), mittens on my hands, a heavy coat with a hood, a stocking cap under the hood, and a scarf across my face. Dressed in that fashion, I went through the back door and backwards down the steps, making a giant leap for mankind. I observed the scenery, took samples of the snow, and played astronaut to my heart’s content. For the next couple of years, whenever the weather gave me the opportunity, I repeated the experience, leaving footprints that would never fade, since there is no atmosphere—and hence no wind or rain—on the moon.

It’s hard to describe the difference of a day below zero to people who are miserable when the temperature falls below forty degrees F. Snow has a different sound when you walk on it in the deep cold of winter—instead of crunching, it squeaks. Frozen fog is a sight to see—ice crystals hanging in the air, not falling as flakes. The coldest days come with clear skies, as the snow reflects the light and heat of the sun back into space. That sunlight glaring off the snow can almost blind a person, especially a person wearing glasses that have just become coated with frost when they hit the cold air.

Heartlanders in general, and Chicagoans in particular, are proud of our ability to face all kinds of weather calmly and stoically. We laugh at dwellers of the desert who come to visit in August and wilt, even though the temperature is only ninety degrees, because the relative humidity is also ninety. We laugh at the foreigners who bundle into their heaviest coats when the first snow falls in October and then take pictures of themselves and each other. We know how to drive in the snow, and we sneer at those who slide off the road. Harsh weather makes us strong, able to face any difficulty, unlikely to be overcome by adversity.

The story is told of a Heartlander who died a couple of years ago; he was sent to the devil’s prison for his sins. The devil knew this Heartlander to be a tough man, so he tried his best to make him miserable. He cranked the thermostat up high, but the Heartlander simply relaxed and said, “Feels like a July day back home.” Annoyed, the devil turned the temperature even higher, but all he heard was, “Feels like the middle of August back home.” The devil decided to try the opposite extreme and turned the air conditioner on full blast. Soon fog was swirling, icicles were forming, and even the devil himself begin to shiver. Satan smiled, though, as he heard the man running around in the fog shouting at the top of his voice. Strangely, though, the man did not sound unhappy. Satan lost his smile when he heard what the man was shouting: “The Cubs won the World Series! The Cubs won the World Series!” J.

Maikeeng Spelcek unesisairee

English is a difficult language. Not only does it have a large vocabulary and many exceptions to most grammatical rules, but English spelling is wildly unpredictable. Consider, for example, the words “tough,” “though,” “through,” and “thought.” Add to the list “threw” and “taught.” Various efforts have been made to standardize English spelling, and few of them have succeeded. With some extra time to play around with ideas on a long weekend, here I present the Salvageable seven-year plan to reform spelling in the English language.

These suggested changes would be made, two a year, looking at consonants in January and vowels in July. Spreading the changes over seven years would make it easier for people to adjust, rather than throwing what appears to be a foreign language into their laps all at once. People and places would be allowed to keep their current spelling if they chose, just as the post office allowed Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, to keep its final “h” while smaller communities with similar names were urged to drop the “h.” All other written communication would be gradually reformed until English spelling finally made sense.

The change made on the first January would be to drop silent consonants from the language. “Psychology” would become “sychology,” and the book of Psalms would henceforth be known as Salms. This initial change would go almost unnoticed, but it will be already a step in the rite direction, the direction of consistency and predictability.

In July a bigger step would be taken by standardizing the letter “a.” From now on, when someone wanted to rite the sound “a as in pan,” that sound would be represented by the letter “a.” When someone wanted to rite the sound “ai as in pain,” that sound would be represented by the letters “ai.” This step would remove a lot of silent “e”s from the ends of words, and people would find it helpful to know alwais how to pronounce their “a”s.

The next Januairy we would stop doubling consonants and would use, for example, only one “t” in the word “litle.” This smal refinement would saiv time for riters and for readers, maiking English more and more acesible to al.

In July the time would hav come to standardize the leter “e.” From now on, when someone wanted to rite the sound “e as in bet,” that sound would be represented by the leter “e.” When someone wanted to rite the sound “ee as in beet,” that sound would be represented by a double “e.” Once agen, the geseeng gaim about how to pronounce certen werds would bee ended.

A tinee change would bee introduced in the next Januairee. A sound that has no consistent speleeng would get a new rule. The sound represented by the leter “s” in the midle of the werd “mesure” would now bee speld “jh,” chaengeeng the werd to “mejhure.” This smal change helps to set up a biger change that wil come the foloweeng Januairee.

But next, in July, wee could standardize the leter “i.” The sound of “i as in bit” would alwais be riten with an “i,” wiel the sound of “ie as in biet” would alwais bee speld “ie.” You can see wair this is goeeng. In the comeeng yeers, wee wil bee takeeng up “o” and “u” as wel.

Now the excietment bilds as wee comit ourselvs  to cleer phonetic speleeng. “Phonograph,” for egzampel, would beecome “fonograf.” Everee tiem wee wanted a “k” sound, wee would riet the leter “k.” This big step asures us ov a Januairee to reemember.

In Julie wee fienalee come to terms with the leter “o.” Frum now on, the sound uv “o as in hop” wil alwaes bee riten “o,” wiel the sound uv “o as in hoep” wil alwees bee riten “oe.” Wee ar moer than half-wai throo the proses, and wee ar maekeeng good progres.

A yeer after maekeeng al the consonants foenetik, wee wil hav noetisd that wee skarslee need the leter “c.” It now oenlee apeers in kombinaishun with the leter “h” in werds such as “cherch.” Wee need simplee to drop the “h” and let the leter “c” maik the “ch” sound, and wee ar wel on our wai to beter Inglish.

Cum Juelie wee kan deel with the leter “u.” If wee want the sound “u as in cut,” wee simplee need to riet “u,” wiel if wee want “ue as in cuet,” wee would riet “ue.” The manee tiems wen the “ue” sound is speld “oo” can bee canjd, soe a dubel “o” wood now alwees sound liek “oo as in book.”

Haveeng canjd “ch” intue “c,” wee ar now free tue taik the uesles leter “x” and let it repreesent the sound foermerlee represented bie “sh.” “Xut the doer” miet seem stranj tue our ies at ferst, but wee wil get uesd tue it oever tiem. Alredee transliteraixun frum Cieneez to Inglix uezez the leter “x” this wai.

Bie theez ruelz wee hav eeliminaeted the need to uez the leters “w” and “y” as vouls. Frum nou on, the “au” sound wil alwais bee riten “au,” never “aw,” and soe on.

Bie the fienel Janueairee uv this proses, wee ar redee foer the last big canj: wee wil replais everee “th” wiq the leter “q.” But beekauz the leters “th” repreesent tue diferent sounds, wee wil hav tue distinguix “q as in qeeng” frum “qh as in quis.” (In unrefoermd Inglix, that wood bee “th as in thing and th as in this.”)   Frum qhis tiem on, Inglix wil maik perfekt sens tue everee reeder, and the spelcek funkxun on our kompueter proegrams wil bee entierlee unesisairee.

Bie the wai, quis iedeeu did not begin wiq Salvajibel. Kredit iz due tue Dolton Edwards, hue roet “Meihem in ce Klasrum” in 1949. Ie enkounterd it in a book kald “The Astounding Science Fiction Anthology,” publixd in 1951. J.

Rumor control, continued

After I posted about Facebook this morning, some new information came to me which needs to be added to the previous post:

  • The name “Facebook,” said backwards, sounds like, “Kubsafe.”
  • Kubsafe was a goat-headed god worshiped by some of the indigenous people of West Africa, as well as by some of their descendants in the Caribbean islands and along the coast of the Gulf of Mexico.
  • It is said that if a person walks into a dark room, faces a mirror, and says the name of Kubsafe three times in a row without pausing, the face of the god will appear in the mirror. Under certain circumstances, that figure in the mirror may try to harm the person who has invoked him.
  • People of a certain age (or a certain level of maturity), having read this information, will try that very experiment tonight.

You have been warned. J.

Rumor control

I received an urgent Facebook message from my cousin this week. She had received a friend request from me which she knew was spurious, since we are already Facebook friends. She proceeded to instruct me how to warn all my Facebook contacts not to accept a new friend request from me, since someone is obviously using my name and picture for no good purpose.

I thanked my cousin for her warning and told her not to worry—most Facebook users are savvy enough not to refriend someone who is already a Facebook friend. When she repeated her warning, I sent her a link to a Snopes page about Facebook pirates, and she then told me that she felt better and less worried.

When I was in high school and college we did not yet have Snopes. We had to rely on something which we called common sense. Mimeographed sheets were passed around schools, churches, workplaces, and the neighborhood with warnings about sinister plots in the world. The Procter & Gamble company, maker of soaps and toothpastes and many other household items, was actually a satanic organization, which could be proved by studying their corporate logo. Rock musicians were hiding nefarious messages in their popular songs by recording the messages backwards. Atheist Madalyn Murray O’Hair had persuaded members of Congress to introduce legislation that would ban all Christian broadcasting from American radio and television. None of these messages was true, but without Snopes to discredit them, these messages continued to be shared and believed.

Somehow in the twenty-first century Facebook has become the target of these kinds of rumors. Facebook is going to start charging users for its services. Facebook has claimed ownership and intellectual control of anything its users have ever posted, even if they have deleted those posts. Facebook pirates are using the identities of Facebook users to hack into other users’ accounts and cause terrible harm and destruction.

Snopes has addressed all of these rumors and found them to be incorrect. (Of course if you Google the phrase “Snopes tool Illuminati,” you will receive nearly 42,000 hits in less than half a second.) Facebook users shouldn’t have to check with Snopes before accessing their accounts. Some old-fashioned common sense should dispel any rumors about Facebook, as I will now try to demonstrate:

  • Facebook makes a lot of money providing its free services to its users. If it was not profitable, Facebook would not continue to exist. But it’s not your money that Facebook is earning, so why should you even care?
  • Facebook does not claim ownership of the material its users post. On the other hand, everything posted on Facebook is available all over the Internet to every kind of user. Stalkers and other creepy people can see what you post on Facebook. So can people who have a more legitimate reason to care what you post. Never post anything on Facebook that you would not want seen by your parents, your children, your neighbors, your current employer, or any possible future employer. Use Instagram for those embarrassing posts.
  • Some of the people you encounter on Facebook will have beliefs and opinions that differ from yours. These people include relatives, old high school friends, and even members of your church. They will post statements that you believe to be wrong. They will disagree with things that you post. They will sometimes be rude about these differences. Life happens.
  • If you do not read the things you post before you send them to Facebook, you will sometimes be guilty of silly and embarrassing typos, misspelled words, and improper grammar. A quick run through what you have written will help you catch those mistakes, and this can affect the opinion other people have of you. Save your typos and other mistakes for Twitter.
  • Facebook is not the world. It does not deserve more of your attention than your job, your household, or your relationship with the Lord. It is possible to turn off Facebook and step away from the computer. It is possible to go an entire day without looking at Facebook. Some people live normal and happy lives without even having a Facebook account.

I hope this information has been helpful. J.