Maikeeng Spelcek unesisairee

English is a difficult language. Not only does it have a large vocabulary and many exceptions to most grammatical rules, but English spelling is wildly unpredictable. Consider, for example, the words “tough,” “though,” “through,” and “thought.” Add to the list “threw” and “taught.” Various efforts have been made to standardize English spelling, and few of them have succeeded. With some extra time to play around with ideas on a long weekend, here I present the Salvageable seven-year plan to reform spelling in the English language.

These suggested changes would be made, two a year, looking at consonants in January and vowels in July. Spreading the changes over seven years would make it easier for people to adjust, rather than throwing what appears to be a foreign language into their laps all at once. People and places would be allowed to keep their current spelling if they chose, just as the post office allowed Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, to keep its final “h” while smaller communities with similar names were urged to drop the “h.” All other written communication would be gradually reformed until English spelling finally made sense.

The change made on the first January would be to drop silent consonants from the language. “Psychology” would become “sychology,” and the book of Psalms would henceforth be known as Salms. This initial change would go almost unnoticed, but it will be already a step in the rite direction, the direction of consistency and predictability.

In July a bigger step would be taken by standardizing the letter “a.” From now on, when someone wanted to rite the sound “a as in pan,” that sound would be represented by the letter “a.” When someone wanted to rite the sound “ai as in pain,” that sound would be represented by the letters “ai.” This step would remove a lot of silent “e”s from the ends of words, and people would find it helpful to know alwais how to pronounce their “a”s.

The next Januairy we would stop doubling consonants and would use, for example, only one “t” in the word “litle.” This smal refinement would saiv time for riters and for readers, maiking English more and more acesible to al.

In July the time would hav come to standardize the leter “e.” From now on, when someone wanted to rite the sound “e as in bet,” that sound would be represented by the leter “e.” When someone wanted to rite the sound “ee as in beet,” that sound would be represented by a double “e.” Once agen, the geseeng gaim about how to pronounce certen werds would bee ended.

A tinee change would bee introduced in the next Januairee. A sound that has no consistent speleeng would get a new rule. The sound represented by the leter “s” in the midle of the werd “mesure” would now bee speld “jh,” chaengeeng the werd to “mejhure.” This smal change helps to set up a biger change that wil come the foloweeng Januairee.

But next, in July, wee could standardize the leter “i.” The sound of “i as in bit” would alwais be riten with an “i,” wiel the sound of “ie as in biet” would alwais bee speld “ie.” You can see wair this is goeeng. In the comeeng yeers, wee wil bee takeeng up “o” and “u” as wel.

Now the excietment bilds as wee comit ourselvs  to cleer phonetic speleeng. “Phonograph,” for egzampel, would beecome “fonograf.” Everee tiem wee wanted a “k” sound, wee would riet the leter “k.” This big step asures us ov a Januairee to reemember.

In Julie wee fienalee come to terms with the leter “o.” Frum now on, the sound uv “o as in hop” wil alwaes bee riten “o,” wiel the sound uv “o as in hoep” wil alwees bee riten “oe.” Wee ar moer than half-wai throo the proses, and wee ar maekeeng good progres.

A yeer after maekeeng al the consonants foenetik, wee wil hav noetisd that wee skarslee need the leter “c.” It now oenlee apeers in kombinaishun with the leter “h” in werds such as “cherch.” Wee need simplee to drop the “h” and let the leter “c” maik the “ch” sound, and wee ar wel on our wai to beter Inglish.

Cum Juelie wee kan deel with the leter “u.” If wee want the sound “u as in cut,” wee simplee need to riet “u,” wiel if wee want “ue as in cuet,” wee would riet “ue.” The manee tiems wen the “ue” sound is speld “oo” can bee canjd, soe a dubel “o” wood now alwees sound liek “oo as in book.”

Haveeng canjd “ch” intue “c,” wee ar now free tue taik the uesles leter “x” and let it repreesent the sound foermerlee represented bie “sh.” “Xut the doer” miet seem stranj tue our ies at ferst, but wee wil get uesd tue it oever tiem. Alredee transliteraixun frum Cieneez to Inglix uezez the leter “x” this wai.

Bie theez ruelz wee hav eeliminaeted the need to uez the leters “w” and “y” as vouls. Frum nou on, the “au” sound wil alwais bee riten “au,” never “aw,” and soe on.

Bie the fienel Janueairee uv this proses, wee ar redee foer the last big canj: wee wil replais everee “th” wiq the leter “q.” But beekauz the leters “th” repreesent tue diferent sounds, wee wil hav tue distinguix “q as in qeeng” frum “qh as in quis.” (In unrefoermd Inglix, that wood bee “th as in thing and th as in this.”)   Frum qhis tiem on, Inglix wil maik perfekt sens tue everee reeder, and the spelcek funkxun on our kompueter proegrams wil bee entierlee unesisairee.

Bie the wai, quis iedeeu did not begin wiq Salvajibel. Kredit iz due tue Dolton Edwards, hue roet “Meihem in ce Klasrum” in 1949. Ie enkounterd it in a book kald “The Astounding Science Fiction Anthology,” publixd in 1951. J.

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11 thoughts on “Maikeeng Spelcek unesisairee

  1. When my dad first came to Canada from Germany he didnt know a work of english and english spelling and pronunciations were mighty confusing for him. He pronounced Knife as ken-IF-eh, Dodge as DOD-geh and Fido (ie. the dog) as FEE-doh
    Because thats how you pronounce them in German!

    The formation of the english language has long fascinated me because you can see the how the evolution of it is tied to the long history of settlers and invaders of Britain. Its a bit of a mutt language, with Latin, Greek, Norse and French influences among others. Words that have an *sk* in them, for example, are of Norse origin. Under Norman occupancy, the language of the court became French (Old French, i think) and many French influences came into the language – to this day, English retains the use of the french *court language*, hence terms like *exchequer* and so on.

    I sure feel bad for those who have to learn it as a second language though!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is hysterical!
    We all know that I, Julie, not to be confused with July cannot spell.
    The local paper once came out to do a story about me and my classroom— some art thing and they spelled my name July so that stuck with my colleagues who even to this retired day will see me and say “hi July “
    Also I have an Italian friend who spells Julie as July.
    Then when our son was young, he had to go to a specialized reading school. He had dyslexia and a learning disability in written expression — it was here where I learned about the magic e— if an e comes at the end of a word it makes the vowel before it say it’s name — like “name” the a is pronounced like it is, an a—-
    I was following you perfectly up until just about the end —
    Crak mee oop

    Liked by 2 people

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